


The Vatican Miracle Examiners vs The Corn Cultists

by SkullSummonerMina



Category: Vatican Miracle Examiners/Vatican Kiseki Chousakan
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-08-08
Packaged: 2018-12-12 22:02:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11746059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkullSummonerMina/pseuds/SkullSummonerMina
Summary: When Roberto next regained consciousness it was to a horrible situation. His partner was tied up, naked, unconscious, and in the hands of vile cultists.





	The Vatican Miracle Examiners vs The Corn Cultists

It had all began so normally, at least for one of their assignments. A field in the farmlands of America had manifested the crop circles in the visage of the Virgin Mary. Reported to the Vatican by a small-town Priest whom the Pope owed a favour to, Roberto and Hiraga found themselves in a flat mass of farmland. 

The very first night they had barely managed to find shelter at the home of a kind farmer after being chased from their broken car by suspiciously mechanical coyotes. It was after that things got weird.

After nightfall Roberto watched, one eye out for coyotes, as Hiraga did very clever science things to the corn field.

Their suitcase containing luminol having been one of the ones eaten by the coyotes, Hiraga quickly constructed a blacklight using their Vatican issued iphones, tape, and a blue sharpie. Shining the blacklight on the field lit up the night. Every stalk of corn, every stone on the dusty ground was stained bright neon blue.

There hadn't been any reports of missing people, but the amount of blood needed to create this mess—

Beside him Hiraga frowned. "These are not consistent with any normal blood splatter patterns."

What kind of unholy murder cult were they dealing with this time?!

"This," Hiraga paused for a moment. "This isn't blood. This is semen."

And that was when the robot zombie coyotes attacked.

When Roberto next regained consciousness it was to a horrible situation. His partner was tied up, naked, unconscious, and in the hands of vile cultists.

Of course, it all made sense now, the crop circles, the corn field orgy—

The farmer they had boarded with was now dressed in yellow and green robes, a sinister expression on his face as he put his hands places no one was allowed to place hands on Hiraga. "So, it seems you and your partner have stumbled upon the truth of this fair town's vitality. Yes, we are Corn Cultists. The seeds of our rituals fertilized the fields to ensure the continuation of our community! Who would have suspected that the priest one town over would see our crop circles and think they looked like the Virgin Mary?"

"It was supposed to be a portrait of my dear Granma, the founder of our community," said a voice behind Robert belonging to farmer's wife.

The vile cultist farmer moved Hiraga's head in a mockery of a nod. "We thought it was kinda funny at first, but if you pesky Vatican Miracle Examiners tell the world about our robot zombie coyote project who knows what the gosh-dang government is going to do?"

"Unfortunately," added the wife, "that means we're going to have to kill you. But don't worry! First you get to help regenerate the fields, since it's the full moon and all!"

"I will never aid your blasphemous rituals," declared Roberto. And neither would Hiraga if he would just wake up from whatever this devious duo had done! If only Roberto's limbs had not been securely tied to a surprisingly study wicker chair, Roberto would have kicked the farmer right in his profane yet strangely handsome face!

Wait, 'handsome'? Where had that thought come from? That was certainly not appropriate for the situation and Hiraga was miles above any other person in terms of—

"Ah, is the medicine finally beginning to take effect, Father?" the wife asked. "We were worried you would not be able to rise to the occasion. So we gave you a bit off a pick me up just in case."

Indeed he looked on in horror as a tent formed in his robes. He recited The Lord's Prayer in every language he knew and a few he was still working on. But then he glanced back up at Hiraga's naked unconscious form and that train derailed into an explosive wreck.

The farmer pushed up Roberto's robes with one hand, dragging Hiraga closer with the other. Roberto had the first inkling of the couple's horrible plan. 

Roberto tried to struggle away when the farmer pushed down his Vatican-approved underwear, releasing his shame dangerously close to Hiraga's face. "Don't!"

But the farmer pushed Hiraga's slack face against the underside of Roberto's erection. A jolt went through him at the sinful touch of dick upon smooth cheek.

"Wow!" the wife said. "That's impressive. Our harvest is gonna be great this year! Thanks, man."

He tried to protest, but the words caught in this throat as the farmer forced open Hiraga's mouth. It was horrible to see him like this, unable to do anything as the farmer slid his face up, lips against skin. A violent motion and Roberto was shoved down his partner's throat so deep it surely would have choked the man had he been conscious.

Although. There had been that one time, with the popsicle in Gardaland…

Oh no! What a traitorous memory! Combined with the sensation and the view of beautiful scientist Hiraga, Roberto had to try all he could to control himself. He failed. He could feel himself about to--

"Woah there buddy," the farmer yanked Hiraga back off at the last moment. "We need that to mix with our miracle-gro!"

His sinful semen spurted across Hiraga's face. Dripping in thick gobs down slack lips, a glistening proof of Roberto's failure.

Then a knife flashed! Oh no, he had almost forgotten the murder part!

\--

Hiraga's head jolted up, bringing along the game-sheet of Angels and Demons that was stuck to his face.

What.

What had just happened?!

He was in his room at the Vatican. He wasn't in a field. He—

He had just had the most terrible dream! 

There was a knock on the door. "Hiraga, are you awake yet? It's time for dinner." 

Roberto's voice. The haze of the—clearly demon sent--dream came back to him full force. With panic Hiraga realized there were some lingering effect in his lower extremities.

"Just one minute!" Hiraga called back. This was going to be a more awkward meal than the time they found out Hiraga had an apricot allergy.


End file.
